Red is the color of my true love's... card?

Oh, RSL Nation, I hope you slept well after that tumultuous night. Matches like that are the equivalent of the horribly timed midnight snack, and it's sure to cause indigestion, nightmares, and more. Speaking of nightmares, I momentarily thought I was in a waking nightmare last night after not one but two players were sent off against San Jose.

Player number one, come on down! You're the next contestant on "I Got Sent Off!" Fabian Espindola, you're a quick striker from Argentina who prefers to cut inside from the flanks, and your long hair is often tied up in what seems to be a samurai's knot! I see, however, you were shown a quick red. Tell us more about that.

"Well, uh… I went in on a tackle, slipped a bit, tried to pull out, and I wasn't successful. I ended up sliding in two-footed with my studs showing, and even though I tried to move out of the way, the referee decided to send me off."

So, you were sent off for a two-footed tackle, then? Did you hurt the player?

"No — I hardly touched him."

Well, perhaps it was justified, but vastly unlucky, wouldn't you say, audience? After going down a man, Real Salt Lake conceded a goal right before the end of stoppage time. (Audience, this is where you groan disappointedly.) Down 1-0 and down a man? They knew they could come back. Captain Kyle Beckerman knew it, too, and took a leisurely stroll through the San Jose defense and fired home a brilliant little goal. 1-1.

But the tables turned once again. Player number two, you got sent off, too. Jamison Olave, you're a fast, strong defender from Colombia and you've often been called one of the best center backs in the league. In the middle of the second half, you were sent off, too. What exactly happened?

"Well, I saw a player was through on goal. Steven Lenhart, I think it was. I took off running to catch him — I knew I could; I'm the fastest center back in the league — and when I got close to him, he grabbed onto my shorts and just pulled and pulled. Maybe my shorts were too heavy, because he then fell over. I did touch his back with my arm, but it was never enough to make him fall over. I was momentarily afraid that he was going to attempt gender reassignment surgery."

So, wait. What were you sent off for?

"I'm still not sure. I think maybe it's not allowed to leave your shorts on when Lenhart requests you remove them. He's kind of a prima donna in that way. All night, he was shouting, 'Remove thine shorts, fair knave!' Clearly, nobody was paying any attention to him. He grabbed on to mine, and I guess he tried to force them off by putting all of his weight into it."

That seems more than a little unfortunate and probably unjust. What will the club do about it? We've spoken to head coach Jason Kreis for more insight.

"Well, I don't know yet. It'll depend on the tapes and what we think we can appeal. We only get two a season, you see. Still, I think we played very, very, very well considering the circumstances. I'm very proud of our boys' effort."

Full of Kreisisms, I see. That will certainly make for an interesting week, won't it? Unless Olave's red is appealed, expect both of them to return to action against Toronto FC next week, sitting out the FC Dallas match on the road.

Until next time, folks. Who knows who the next contestant will be on I Got Sent Off!?

* Surely, you know these quotes are wholly and utterly fabricated, right? They are. Please don't think they're not.